It takes me such a huge effort to go to school everyday. To show myself to the world. Every day I ask my mother to let me stay at home in order to avoid feeling incomplete.
I’m afarid of that I’ll never learn how to love myself. I try so hard but struggle with my fears to be disliked by others.
Yes, I do care so much about how I look, behave, dress and so on. I used to consider it to be normal. I used to consider it to be crazy. Now I consider it to be stopped.
I wanted to cry at school today again. What’s wrong? Nothing.
Maybe There’re two reasons why it happens: self-hatred and loving myself. Somehow I can’t admit being who I am.
Hah, I can strongly recommend myself as a very kind, sincere, generous person who had to go through everything, so why the society apprecietes rudeness, impudence and betrayal? Is it in priority now? I really used to think that I’m fully guilty of my failures in socialising but I’ve changed my mind at least a little bit since then.
So, being alone doesn’t mean that I’m ugly? I turns out that yes. Being rejected despite my hard tries to make a small talk? Does it mean that I’m unsociable? It seems so but in fact I look for talking to everybody in my school. My (maybe) sullen and severe look hides friendship but what’s to do? It’s called change or die. Of course, I still feel that the matter is in me.
The text turned out to be sad but I’m not now. The only feeling that I feel that I’m constantly wasting my time.
I do believe that my life will change soon.
